Today is my anniversary. 17 years, people! It sounds like a long time, but I know we’re still just toddlers in the grand scheme of anniversaries. I like to pretend that I know what I’m doing. That I’ve totally got things figured out and our marriage is a cakewalk now that we’ve been married nearly two decades. But the honest truth is that being married, whether for 7 months or 17 years or 47 years, is work. And the minute you’re not working at it is the minute you’re in trouble. The minute you get complacent is the minute you start having issues.

There have been times in our marriage that have been easier than others. You know how a lot of people say the first year is the hardest- that it’s an adjustment and it takes time to get used to each other? Our first year of marriage was actually one of our best! We were in college, we didn’t live near either of our families (which I believe is one of the reasons we started out with such a strong foundation), and we had no one to focus on but each other.

Fast forward a bunch of years to the now. We have jobs, four kids, school schedules, sports, church responsibilities, home responsibilities, extended family nearby, and everything else that comes up. It frequently feels like there’s no time left to work on a marriage. There are nights that we are falling into bed, exhausted from our day, and we’ve barely spent 10 minutes together. I think that is probably something that all of us are guilty of at one time or another. Life is crazy. Life with a family is insanely busy. And sometimes we forget that the person who you created this life and family with is more important than a few passing words before you drift off to sleep at night. 

Andrew and I are far from perfect. And we definitely don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a few things on our side that I wanted to tell you about. Some of them are personal- I don’t share them often or with many people. But I feel if my experiences can help someone- even one person- then they are worth sharing. 

I also feel like this post may need a disclaimer. I want to talk about keeping a marriage strong, but would never want to discount those people who, through no fault of their own, find themselves with a partner who is not what they seemed when they married. To those people who have a partner who becomes abusive in any way, shape or form. To those people who find themselves in situations beyond their control- know that I am truly sorry. Seek help when you need it.  Do what is best for you and for your children. 

My Backstory

I come from a divorced family. My parents separated at a time when divorce wasn’t as prevalent as it is today. I was young, so I don’t really have many memories before I came from a divorced home. And even though both my parents remarried and I grew up in a fairly stable environment, living with the back and forth, the sharing of holidays, and the disagreements that came up was never pleasant. It leaves a permanent mark. It molds you into something that you wouldn’t have otherwise been. As I grew older, I determined that my future would be different. That I’d never put my children through the heartache that is divorce, if I could help it.  As  a result, I do not take marriage lightly. I decided well before I married that I would do whatever it took to create a strong marriage for my future family. 

Andrew and I met when we were 18 years old. We were so young- just babies, really. And we didn’t start dating right when we met. We did start doing everything together, though. And he became my best friend very quickly. I was fairly clueless when it came to dating… and had no idea Andrew wanted more than best friends. After weeks of spending all of our spare time together, he had to flat out tell me that he liked me. He was very clear that he would love to date me, but if it changed anything that we had as best friends, he wanted me to forget he even mentioned it. HA! How does a girl forget such a thing? 

How Our Marriage Started Strong

Our early story has a happy ending. We did start dating. It was great. And three years later we were married. And this is where my first point comes in:

1. A marriage that is deeply rooted in friendship before it evolves into anything else has a solid foundation. 
   

I’m not trying to discount love at first sight or any other method of courtship.  I’m just telling you that before anything, Andrew is my best friend. And he always has been. He knows me better than anyone else. If I have a problem or feel like I need to vent, he’s the one I go to.  Ever since I was a freshman in college, he is the one person I want to hang out with more than anyone else. I have sisters whom I love. I have girlfriends who are fabulous. But I’d still pick Andrew over all of them.  

Is it possible to have that deep rooted friendship even if you immediately started dating when you met? Of course it is! Best friends often change from time to time. If you take the time to really get to know a person inside and out, flaws and all, there is always a place for a new best friend.  

Marriage Wasn’t Meant To Be A Family Affair

As I mentioned before, our first year of marriage was great. Our second year of marriage- awesome. Our third year of marriage we had a baby. And life started to change. Two years later, we had another baby. LESS than two years later, we had another baby. Another two years and number four followed. In six very short years we went from a family of two to a family of six. Bumps in the road are inevitable when life changes that drastically that quickly. 

And do you know what I think saved us from massive potholes in life? I actually think it was Andrew. He has this easygoing nature about him. He is laidback and not much bothers him and he rarely loses his temper. I’m kind of a “I can do it myself, thank you very much” person and he puts up with me.The other biggie? He grasps the concept talked about in the Bible in the book of Genesis that says,  ” a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife”. That probably sounds cheesy… but it really is true. 

I’m going to tell you something that may get me in trouble with more than one person… Andrew hardly ever talks to his parents. Truly. They call me if they need something. It’s my email address that is used when all his siblings get something from his parents. Some of it may be his personality. Some may be because he really is insanely busy. But I think the other part is he doesn’t “need” them because he has me. He married me and didn’t really look back. And I’m very grateful for that. It is an absolute blessing in our marriage. I’ve never felt any sort of competition for his time. And if we have issues, I know he is coming to me and only me. This brings me to my next point. 

            2. Your marriage is YOUR marriage. Your marital disagreements are between you and your spouse. The minute you bring in parents or siblings or best friends who take sides and give their opinions is the minute you start to lose ground in your marriage.

I totally understand you need a listening ear sometimes. I’ve been there. But please don’t let that listening ear be someone who wants to give you “sound” advice that really isn’t or just fix the problem for you. The bottom line is that no one can fix your issues except you and your spouse. You might get good advice from someone, but it’s still up to you to put it into place. And family members typically take sides.  They can’t help it!  It’s a natural instinct to protect your blood. And here’s the other issue with family: after a disagreement, most of us move on in a marriage. We forget because we love the person. Family doesn’t forget as easily. And they don’t forgive as readily. Don’t do that to your spouse. Hard feelings from family members are the last thing anyone needs.  

If you can’t figure it out on your own, find helpful help! Real help. Hire a therapist or visit with your bishop or church clergy if you can’t afford counseling.  But don’t do nothing. Don’t stop talking. Don’t let the problems fester like a bad rash because they will only grow and get worse.  

Marriage is About Making Time

We’ve had a lot of years in our marriage where all our time was devoted to our kids. All of it. There were years of newborns when it couldn’t be helped. There were years of sports practices and games for all four kids at the same time that seemed to take up every spare minute. And to some extent, that is ongoing. For a long time I actually felt guilty when I would leave home without my kids, especially if Andrew and I were leaving together. Isn’t that funny? Feeling guilty about spending time with the person you created that family with?

So, what do you do? Do you ignore your own life for the sake of your kids? Do your kids take a backseat to your wants and needs? I’d like to think it’s both. Your kids understandably need you. As parents we are responsible for their care and welfare. But, what happens if we spend all our time and energy on our kids and ignore time spent with our spouse? Bad, bad things, people. 

           3. Make time for your spouse so you are continuously growing together (and in the same direction!) and not apart.  

Have you ever heard a story of divorce where people say, “we just grew apart”? Maybe you know someone. Maybe you are that someone. Oh my goodness, people! Please don’t let that happen! You married that person for lots of reasons. Don’t lose sight of those reasons. This means you have to spend time with them! Do you only have ten minutes at the end of your day? Fine. Take those ten minutes and run with them. Ask questions. Answer questions. And for Pete’s sake- turn off that TV and put down your stupid phone. Look them in the eyes when you talk. Let them know you actually care what they are saying. Facebook isn’t going anywhere. Instagram will not disappear for those ten minutes. The highlight from that game can be found in five different places ten minutes from now. 

So you’ve got more than 10 minutes? Go out to dinner. Grab takeout and go sit at the park. Go for a walk around the block. And as much as we like hanging out with our married friends, spend some of those date nights alone. Remember- marriage is about the two of you, not your friends. And your kids? They will survive without you for a minute. Find a babysitter. Trade with a friend. And if your kids are old enough to leave on their own, you have no excuse. An hour isn’t too much to ask, but it could make all the difference to your marriage. It’s important for your kids to see that you are always working on your relationship. Divorced kid here, remember? Don’t let it come to that. 

Life happens whether you’re ready for it or not. I know I don’t want to go through it alone. I heard someone say once that marriage is two people giving 100% all the time. It’s not a case of 50-50 because that would mean neither person was giving their all. I’m not the type of person to do something only halfway. And I’m not about to do my marriage halfway. We are not perfect as individuals and we’re not always perfect together. But we are perfect in our attempts to do better. We aren’t about to give up. And that is what matters. 

So, here’s to another 17 years times 70. We’re ready for it!